- “Scoreboard”

As a Nebraska fan, I’ve gotten the pleasure of hearing this term a lot lately. You’re having a chat/argument/blood feud with an opposing fan, whipping out all kinds of tradition-laden terms, statistics, you name it. Then, like General Grant calling in reinforcements, the High Holy Ace of Idiocy comes flying out of their sleeve. “Oh yeah?!,” they exclaim as if they’ve suddenly found out that Yoo-hoo now comes in 55 gallon drums convenient for home use, “Well, we’ve got SCOREBOARD ON YOU!” What Tau Slapp N’ Tappa came up with this demented excuse for collegiate diatribe?

So, let’s see if I have this straight: Pawtucket U has gotten yearly piano-wirings from Wouldacoulda Tech for, let’s say 25 years. That’s 25 years of pastings, poundings, bludgeonings, seal-clubbings, drubbings and knock-down, drag-out fisticuffs. Suddenly, Pawtucket gets a wild hair up their collective backsides and decides to actually play well against Dear Ol’ Wouldacoulda and beats them. Now, suddenly, after 26 years, all Pawtucket has to show for itself is a photograph proving they beat the opposing team for once in their lifetimes? Some might say that this is what gives smaller schools a rallying cry and that’s just dandy, but the way it gets pulled out like Patton’s ace in the hole just makes it incredibly stupid and unequivocally lame.

- Fans Who Complain About Yelling

I had this happen to me during the ‘003 version of Nebraska vs. Texas A&M, which you can read about in that particular article. Long story short, some contemptible harpy tells me that “cheering is okay, but out and out yelling is just no good.” What kind of moronic tripe is this? Last time I checked, the whole point of home field advantage was, now hold onto your top hat and monocles, GIVE THE HOME TEAM AN ADVANTAGE. Honestly, this is my attitude whenever I go to a football game in Lincoln anymore: I don’t care whose feathers I ruffle. I don’t care if I disturb someone’s quiet time and book reading sessions. I don’t care if you can’t talk on your cell phone. I just don’t care. As long as the opposing quarterback can’t audible, I can take your eye rolling and condescending chatter. This is a football game not a knitting circle. There are appropriate places for both and guess what, Agnes? You just entered the wrong one.

- Fans Who Can’t Properly Yell

Now, I am of the school of thought that a well-placed verbal barb is a thing of art. “Who would name their child after a letter of the alphabet?!” was yelled during the NU-KSU game last year. Took a moment, but I found it funny. That said? When Nebraska runs a fullback trap on 2nd and 6, gets caught straight up the gut and is dropped for a yard loss, please, I beg of you, do NOT open your mouth and scream out something as deliciously dense as, “You’re going the wrong way!”

Yes, thank you, now that you’ve dutifully pointed out to the team and several thousand fans, mind you, that the play you just witnessed didn’t go as we all would’ve liked, we can continue to properly execute. Thank GOD in Heaven that you’re around, Chuckles. Now, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate enthusiasm. “YEAH!”, “WHOOO!”, “GO HUSKERS!”, they’re all good. Put a little effort in it when you try to string a sentence together, however. That’s all I really ask. My brain thanks you.

- People Who Don’t Know When to Yell

This just in, jackass, but yelling DURING the National Anthem is not cool, it is not funny and it is MORONIC. Take off your hat, put AWAY the cell phone for a minute, look at the flag and remember why you’re even where you are today. I know it’s a bitch to remember we’re not in Kazakhstan for 30 seconds, but you can live. Also, if you think it’s funny to scream during a moment of silence, say for someone who was killed or who died? Please direct your attention to the West Stadium, because I will find someone who’s got some good old-fashioned gumption and a hickory cane to smack some sense into you. We’re trying to have a CIVILIZATION here, people!

- Corporate Sponsorships

Here’s a little factoid for ya: Did you know that Old Spice plunked down an undisclosed six-figure amount so that they could be the sponsor of the soon-to-be-released video game NCAA Football 2005’s halftime show? I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a little sick of all of the corporate sponsorship. I understand that stadiums and what have you don’t pay for themselves but CEEEEEERICKEY, this is getting bad. What’s next? This first down marker is brought to you by First National Bank? The Taco Bell® Opening Kickoff? This 3rd and 17 has been brought to you by Snacky Smores! It’s lunacy and just so you know? I do not refer to bowl games in such tawdry ways as the FedEx Orange Bowl. It’s just the Orange Bowl or the Rose Bowl or the Razzamatazz Bowl (too many of them, but we’ll get to that another day). It stinks, I don’t like it but I live with it.

- All-White Uniforms

Now, we as ‘Husker fans had to suffer through THIS abomination not two years ago. Who at Adidas sits around and honestly thinks that looking like a bad Halloween costume equates to a sharp look? Honestly, unless the team is known as the Fightin’ Caspers or the Whipped Cream Chanticleers, then add some freakin’ color! It’s a simple formula people. Home unis: main color top, secondary color bottom or white, if you prefer. On the road, reverse. Also, space age-looking does not equate to cool. Also, I’m so glad Oregon decided to ditch the primarily neon yellow threads because I think I felt my rods and cones getting all messed up when I saw them one Thursday night.

- Silent Commit Rumors

Would someone please tell me what purpose this serves? For those of you who don’t follow recruiting, allow me to explain. Someone comes along and says to the masses, “Okay, we might have a commit here, people, but we can’t say who it is for <Insert Reason Here>.”

…

WHAT?! Of course, you then have sheer insanity all over the Internet communities because everyone wants to know who it is, but we can’t say and oh, it might not even be real. Crimeny, people, if you can’t say, then don’t. It’d probably be best for everyone involved so that we don’t have people digging at the issue like a wound.

So, yeah, that’s a little list of beefs I’ve had. I feel better now and I thank you for indulging me. Anyhow, NCAA 2005’s coming out here, I suggest you check it out if you have a PlayStation 2, XBOX or Gamecube. Who knows? Maybe you’ll even lock horns with my nutty self online? Peace, folks.

Questions, commentary and your rants and raves can be sent to: Blankman71@cox.net

===Brandon a.k.a. Blankman #71===

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